Parkville Voted Fattest Town in Region

A new Nut Mountain News/Eklund Farm Implement poll has found that the residents of Parkville are more than portly, they're downright fat.

89% of the 708 readers surveyed thought that Parkville residents had the highest excess body fat of any town in the area, including Reisdorf, whose building codes insist all doorways must be at least 36 inches wide, even in residences. The codes are in place so that Parkville police and fire personal can capably enter any premises in an emergency.

Parkville Mayor Ted Dahmes refused to comment on the poll and even threatened a member of The News with physical violence. Our staff member did not report the matter to police as Mr. Dahmes does not fit into a vehicle and is unlikely to make it as far as Nut Mountain in his mobility scooter.