Town Nerd First Resident to Get iPhone

Neil Latimore has been fixing your neighbour's computers since he brought the first PC to Nut Mountain in 2002. In fact, he was at the center of the “2002 house stampede” incident that caused forty minor injuries when local men crowded into Latimore's parents' house to see the Internet in action for the first time. (A stampede for the exit developed when high school track star Jaimie Weisser was accused of dropping his pants during the Internet demonstration.)

Since that day that changed our world forever he has been wanting to come up with something else that would make an impact. He goes into local history books again as the first person here to own an Apple iPhone.

“I know you could feed and educate six African villages for several generations for the price of it,” said Latimore, “But I really enjoy the design and the cool games. Plus, I it feels good to be a trendsetter,” added the twenty-seven year old self-confessed almost-virgin. (He claims to have paid for sex once in Parkville.)

A crowd gathered around the post office when the iPhone arrived. Mayor McElroy, besieged recently by a popular cat who may oppose him in the next election, said he'd look into the possibility of providing iPhones to all residents of Nut Mountain as part of their taxes.

“We need to get this town on track again,” said Mayor Mack, “Empowering our residents with this revolutionary device could be the wind that blows the butterflies wings, or something like that. You know what I mean.” McElroy appeared intoxicated and probably was since it was a Wednesday.

Whether or not free iPhones becomes an election platform or not, Neil Latimore is riding high on his new-found popularity. “Most guys in this town drive pickup trucks and don't even know what sexting is,” said Latimore, asking us to strike the preceding comment to protect him from getting beat up. “I think I'm a modern man, compared to most other people around here. The iPhone helps me illustrate that distinction. That and my new turtleneck.”

Latimore lives at 132 Elmview Avenue.