The News Endorses Butter Cup for Mayor

Jim McElroy has been mayor of Nut Mountain ever since he returned from a Nevada whore ranch in 1987. He was just twenty-one when he won his first election. Throughout his career his morals have been constantly questioned. For example, on at least three occasions Humane Society officials had to remove small farm animals from his home.

In 1995 McElroy was caught handcuffed to a downtown light standard naked with a carrot inserted into his rectum. The story behind that incident was never clear but it was assumed that it was sexual encounter gone wrong. McElroy claimed he was kidnapped and tortured for his Star Wars collectibles, although a large inventory of those collectibles were found in his home by police, including several Chewbacca French ticklers. Many residents believe it was this incident that permanently damaged Nut Mountain's reputation and elevated Parkville to the preferred destination for business and tourism.

Butter Cup the cat, on the other hand, has had no such embarrassments plaguing her other than a minor incident where fire officials had to pluck her out of a tree when she was a kitten. Electing her as mayor would end the shame this town has suffered under the decades-long reign of Mayor Mack. Since no one else seems to be interested in the mayor's job, the least humiliating option for the citizens of Nut Mountain is to elect a cat as our next mayor and restore our dignity.